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The way i herd the joke was with the wife dropping her napkin wile eating breakfast and they both bent down to pick it up, there eyes met and they went at it right there ion the table. the the pastor says no and they say thats ok the dont want us back at the dinner any more ither.

^^^ better

heyitsstock wrote:a young couple get engagged and ask their priest for his blessing. he tells them they must go an entire month without having sex. after a monthis up, the man returns by himself to tell their priest how the abstinence went.

"well the first week wasn't too bad." he says. "the second week was tough, but the third week got a bit easier. unfortunately, in the fourth week my girlfriend bent over, and i just couldnt help myself. i stuck it in her."

"they won't like that up in heaven," growls the priest

"i kind of fiqured that," the man replies. "they didn't really like it much in safeway either."

ahhh.... I love Maxim.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.



Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says, "damn it's hot in hear."
The other muffin replies, "AHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"


I came home one day and said to my girlfriend "Hey honey you should rub toilet paper on your tits."
"WHY?!?" she replied.
"It'll make them bigger, look what it did for your ass!"


Guy walks into a bar and orders 4 martinis.
Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
Guy says "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."
The bartender says "Congratulations!"
Guy replies "Thanks, if this doesn't get the taste out, NOTHING will."



Two gays are in a hotel room and the hotel catches on fire. Which one gets out first, the one on top, or the one on the bottom??
The one on the bottom, he already has his shit packed.


whats the difference between a bonus and a boner?
your wife will blow your bonus


guy walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "do you have any condoms with insecticide?"
pharmacist says, "you mean spermicide don't you?"
guy says, "no, i said insecticide. my wifes got a fucking bug up her ass and i'm going after it"

i gotta tell these at work on monday!

as i read. i read loudly and told them to my roomie

yea maxim is where its at

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2 condoms are walking past a gay bar, 1 of the condoms looks at the other one and says,

"wanna go get shit faced?"

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."


Son: "Dad, is it true that in some countries, men do not know their wives until they marry them?"
Father: "No son, that is true in ALL countries."


Went on a blind date the other night.
As we were driving along, I asked her what she did for a living.
She told me she was a magician.
"A magician?", I said. "Really? Can you prove it?"
Sure enough, she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel!

What do you do if a woman's watch breaks?
Nothing, there's a clock on the stove.




A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.
He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him : "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head and she leans down and gives him a hug.
Then the second says:" Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head.
She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks:"Have you ever been f***ed?"
"No", says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tides coming in"

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."


Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

^

03blackrt wrote:A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

ROFL this ones awesome

A narcoleptic walks into a bar....

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were 3 girls in highschool, they were all best friends and they're moms were all best friends as well, one mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes.''

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my daughters bed, I can't believe she has a dick.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

OMFG!!!!!

TiNK wrote:OMFG!!!!!

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in $2-3.00/day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose responds, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife & six kids to support!'"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico!"

What do plastic bags and Michael Jackson have in common?









They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for little kids.

Some nites Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun


Chuck Norris got in a knife fight and the knife lost


Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.