Random's Joke thread

Pretty much what the title says, all off-topic related posts can be posted here to share with everyone.
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Post by theColonel » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:03 pm

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
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Post by Marcel » Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:33 am

telling these jokes doesn't do justice.. therefore:

click!

click!

click!
"If god hates masturbation that much, he should give me a girlfriend"
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Post by theColonel » Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:10 pm

Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office...
One in prison.
Chicago already does this.
Last edited by theColonel on Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by TheRandom1 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:11 pm

Speaking of which, rod Blagojevich just reported for his prison term today.
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Post by theColonel » Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:26 pm

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.”
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat ," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
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Post by mjrpaine » Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:43 pm

A traveling salesman was driving down a long interstate in the middle of nowhere. He sees a bar in the distance and decides to stop for a drink. After ordering his beer, he sees a jar full of money at the end of the bar with a sign that says $1. He asks the bartender about the jar of money. The bartender proceeds to explain it to him. He says "You see that horse out there in the fence. Well ... if you can make that horse laugh, you get the jar of money". The salesman goes over and puts a dollar in and heads down to the horse. He looks at the horse for a minute ... then whispers in the horses ear. The horse bursts out laughing and the salesman walks back to the bar. The bartender is in shock and before he can ask, the salesman takes his prize and leaves.

About a year later ... the salesman is heading down the same interstate and sees the bar again. He decides to go in and order a drink. He sits down at the bar and sees the same jar full of money with the $1 sign on it. So he asks the bartender if its the same rules as last time. The bartender says "No, this time you have to make the horse cry". The salesman heads over and puts a dollar in the jar and walks down to the horse. He stares at the horse for a minute and whispers in his ear and then jerks around for a second. The horse drops to the ground crying its eyes out. The salesman walks back to the bar and as he grabs the jar of money the bartender grabs his arm and says "Before I let you take the money, you need to tell me what you told the horse".

The salesman replied "Well, last year I told him my dick was bigger then his ... this year I proved it".
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Post by theColonel » Sun May 20, 2012 3:14 pm

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Post by Marcel » Sun May 20, 2012 3:52 pm

:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:
"If god hates masturbation that much, he should give me a girlfriend"
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Post by Haganracing » Fri May 25, 2012 4:23 pm

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED.
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a
Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
occasional demons wrote:So maybe a FuzzyDanteHagan sammich might just beat a FuzzyHagan. :-k
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Post by dvon17 » Sat May 26, 2012 12:55 am

:laughing3: :laughing3: :rockon: :lol: :lol:


awesome
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Post by theColonel » Fri Jun 08, 2012 3:55 pm

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting..

'What's up?' She asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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Post by chris1211 » Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:04 pm

:laughing3: :rofl:
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Post by jmoddes » Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:49 pm

wow...........................
-jmoddes (@gmail)
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Post by ChinoX » Sun Jun 17, 2012 4:46 pm

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Post by chris1211 » Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:21 pm

Lol :rockon:
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Post by fontes59 » Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:05 pm

why do italian's love having fart cans on there car?
cuz they love hearing there name wooooooooppppppp (shift) wooooooopppppp

thats also the reason rich italians own helicopters instead of airplanes cuz it keeps calling there name (blades spin) wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop

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Post by Haganracing » Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:20 pm

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'

> Have a nice day.....
occasional demons wrote:So maybe a FuzzyDanteHagan sammich might just beat a FuzzyHagan. :-k
Danteneon wrote:My advice is to fight those urges and enjoy the fact that you have both X and Y chromosomes. And an SRT. And your hand. You don't need a girl.

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Post by chris1211 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:35 pm

Oh shit hahaha
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Post by ChinoX » Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:03 am

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Post by theColonel » Sat Jul 07, 2012 3:51 pm

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through France .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Last edited by theColonel on Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by C1DoG » Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:24 pm

:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:
Drove my neon until it was killed in a flood.
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Post by theColonel » Sun Sep 23, 2012 10:38 am

The Salvation Army realized that they had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer.
So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying
after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did your research show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan veteran, is blind,
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car
accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is
disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"
Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

The lawyer thought again for a moment and said, "So, tell me Mr. Salvation Army volunteer, if I don't give any
cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any cash to you?"
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Post by Marcel » Sun Sep 23, 2012 5:12 pm

theColonel wrote:[...]Holland [...]lovely hillside [...]
we have hills?? :shock:
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Post by theColonel » Mon Sep 24, 2012 2:04 pm

Marcel wrote:
theColonel wrote:[...]Holland [...]lovely hillside [...]
we have hills?? :shock:
:givesafuck: if Holland has hills :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Last edited by theColonel on Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Marcel » Mon Sep 24, 2012 2:53 pm

theColonel wrote:
Marcel wrote:
theColonel wrote:[...]Holland [...]lovely hillside [...]
we have hills?? :shock:
:tardbang: Do you have goats in Holland ?
We don't have hills in southern Louisiana, either.
goats we have though 99% are either domestic pets or in the petting zoo. :P Also, the majority of the dutch cheese (<99% by volume) is produced out of cow milk. :P

Anyway, enough off-topic chatter for this topic :mrgreen:
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Post by theColonel » Fri Jan 18, 2013 3:12 pm

When former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama,
he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President.

"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President; it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.

Not satisfied with only accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot: "I bet when I die you'll be happy
to piss on my grave."

The General saluted and replied: "Mr. President, I always told myself that after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
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Post by C1DoG » Sat Jan 19, 2013 5:25 am

:laughing3: :rofl:
Drove my neon until it was killed in a flood.
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Post by RobsProjectSOHC » Sat Jan 19, 2013 8:21 am

heard this on mad men, gets my dying.

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbor’s house.

"Howdy neighbor", he says. "In honor of you movin' in to the holler, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lot of drinkin', a whole lot of dancin' and a whole lot of screwin'."

"Sounds like fun", the neighbor says..."what can I bring?"

Hillbilly replies, "You can bring anything you want; just gonna be you and me."
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Post by theColonel » Fri Jan 25, 2013 5:53 pm

Obama went looking for a call girl one day:

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, ”I am the President of the United States! How much
would it cost me to ‘spend some time’ with you?”
... She replied, ”$200.”

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was a $100.

He then asked the redhead … Her reply was,

”Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low
as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and
keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment
and screw me the way you have done the retirees … then you can have it for free,
like the illegal immigrants!"
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Post by FAC3L3SS » Sat Jan 26, 2013 5:54 pm

HAR HAR POLITICAL JOKES
el. oh. el.

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