oaths of enlistment
Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:57 pm
New Enlistment Oaths For the Armed Services
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
I, Pirate Jack, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me.
I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed
Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland
Security. I understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me a
member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will
question my military status. I will be the red-headed step child to all
of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my
equipment will be discarded Navy property.
I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the
worst of natures storms, and receive no thanks or notice from the public.
I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber
than rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for
transporting drugs two months later. I will prevent thousands of
gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't
allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean.
I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes,
and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too
much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend
training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field
of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I
will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure that I
will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself
as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two
hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically
attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because
the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do
any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of
the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise
to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not
really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at all
times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my
*snicker* "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will do no
work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me
God.
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take
me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform
24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that
I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school once
every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and
propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because
if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better looking Air Force
guy.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because
of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So help me God.
_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why
not?"
I promise to wear clothing what went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the
summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a
different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words
like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" when I really mean "floor, wall, hat,
and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms,
rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hrs. I
vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up
in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal
year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found
"colleagues." So help me Neptune.
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force
women....beer.....sailors
wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty
call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me
Corps!"
Being in the navy, i can attest to my oath as 100% accurate.
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
I, Pirate Jack, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me.
I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed
Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland
Security. I understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me a
member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will
question my military status. I will be the red-headed step child to all
of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my
equipment will be discarded Navy property.
I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the
worst of natures storms, and receive no thanks or notice from the public.
I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber
than rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for
transporting drugs two months later. I will prevent thousands of
gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't
allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean.
I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes,
and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too
much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend
training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field
of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I
will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure that I
will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself
as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two
hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically
attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because
the Marines frighten me.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do
any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of
the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise
to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not
really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at all
times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my
*snicker* "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will do no
work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me
God.
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take
me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform
24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that
I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school once
every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and
propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because
if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better looking Air Force
guy.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because
of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So help me God.
_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why
not?"
I promise to wear clothing what went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the
summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a
different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words
like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" when I really mean "floor, wall, hat,
and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms,
rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hrs. I
vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up
in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal
year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found
"colleagues." So help me Neptune.
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force
women....beer.....sailors
wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty
call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me
Corps!"
Being in the navy, i can attest to my oath as 100% accurate.
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date
