Joke time

silentneon01 · Post by **silentneon01** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 2:54 am

Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex,
how about I cum in your ear?
Wife says: No I mite go deaf!
Man says: I've been Cumming in your mouth
for 20 years and your still f***en talking!

kornholio788 · Post by **kornholio788** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:14 am

bwahahahahahaha^^^^ OMG i love that one lol

bombtrack07 · Post by **bombtrack07** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 12:31 pm

so a little kid walks up to his dad (who is reading the newspaper in the living room) and tells him that his school assignment is to find out the difference between 'theory' and 'reality'. the father thinks for a minute and tells the boy to go ask his mother if she would sleep with brad pitt for a million bucks.

the little boy runs into the kitchen and asks his mom if she would sleep with brad pitt for a million bucks. she says, "well, i'd hate to do that to your father but we could really use the money. dont tell him i said that."

the little boy runs back to his dad and tells him what she said. his dad tells him to go ask his sister the same question.

the little boy runs to his sister's room and asks her if she'd sleep with brad pitt for a million bucks. "hell, i wouldnt need the money to do it but that'd be an extra bonus."

the little boy runs back to his dad and tells him what she said. his dad tells him to go ask his brother the same question.

so the little boy runs off to his big brother's room and asks him. "i'm not gay but for a million bucks, i'd do it. who wouldnt for a million?"

the little boy runs back to his dad and tells him what he said. "daddy, i dont get it! what does this have to do with my homework?"

the dad thinks for a minute and says, "in theory, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. in reality, we're living with 2 whores and a queer."

03blackrt · Post by **03blackrt** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:05 pm

There once was a man from Nantucket.... that's it.

hansken_yo · Post by **hansken_yo** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:33 pm

Very Funny but NSFW.
http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

kornholio788 · Post by **kornholio788** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:14 pm

ah tahts great lol^^^^

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:33 pm

two girls and a guy were walking down the street
the girls saw a dog licking itself
the girl says "man i wish i could do that"
the guy responds "i wouldnt, when i tried it the dog bit me"

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Wed Aug 22, 2007 4:00 pm

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Mon Aug 27, 2007 4:22 pm

A crusty old man walks into the Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church and says
to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the
pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church and pay my damn
tithes."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Marthby · Post by **Marthby** » Mon Aug 27, 2007 4:53 pm

Damn good joke!

SteelBlue · Post by **SteelBlue** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 1:45 pm

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...

"It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Post by **racer12306** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 7:09 pm

A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.

So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.

Yo mama so poor, when you ring her bell, she sticks her head out the window and yells, "DING DONG!"

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Post by **racer12306** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 7:27 pm

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

dodge_girl · Post by **dodge_girl** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 4:07 am

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus, the bartender stops him and says "sir you can't bring that in here"
The man says to him that he has a wager for him
Curious the bartender asks what it is
The man replies "i bet you a thousand bucks this octopus can play any instument you have"
Thinking there is no way that is possible the bartender plays along and takes the man to the stage where the instuments are.
First the bartender gives him a guitar and the thing plays it no problem, stunned, the bartender them puts him on the drums and again the octopus has no problems and this goes on with every instument the bartender can find
Thinking there was nothing left to play the man say he would like his money and he'd be on his way
The bartender stops him and says he has one more for him and runs to the backroom and comes back out with a set of bagpipes
They give the bagpipes to the octopus and it couldn't play it, there was tenticles and pipes flying everywhere
Laughing the bar tender said to the man that he won and he wanted is money
The man laughed and said "just wait, once he figures out he can't fuck it, he'll play it!"

Sexy02sxt · Post by **Sexy02sxt** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 5:02 pm

A Nun, a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

03blackrt · Post by **03blackrt** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:38 pm

Is that geoduck in your pocket, or are you just happy sashimi?

Is that a putty knife in your pocket, or am I just appealing?

fearingdark · Post by **fearingdark** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:54 pm

^^^^watches to much Dirty jobs. wait, i recognized that...WE watch to damn much dirty jobs

03blackrt · Post by **03blackrt** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:37 pm

Danm right!

MoxHair · Post by **MoxHair** » Wed Nov 28, 2007 1:13 am

..I love Dirty Jobs.

Sexy02sxt · Post by **Sexy02sxt** » Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:53 pm

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he says, “Do you know me?”
She says “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”
“No,” she says. “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Paul56 · Post by **Paul56** » Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:51 pm

When driving transport truck I rear-ended some fellow in Lincoln Continental... of course we both stop.

A dwarf jumps out of the Continental and makes a beeline for the driver's side of my tractor. I roll down the window to hear him say:

"I'm not happy!" He looked really fumed too.

So, I said "Okay, so which one are you then?"

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:57 am

Acouple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the
town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.”

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage. The husband replied, “Well, it dates back to our
honeymoon in America. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too
far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

“We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. My wife
quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third
time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
horse dead. I shouted at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, woman! Why did
you shoot the poor animal like that, are you freaking crazy!?’

She looked at me, and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ And from that
moment, we have lived happily every after.”

kornholio788 · Post by **kornholio788** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:49 am

^^^HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH That one is great. I will have to forward that one to quite a few people haha.

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Tue Feb 12, 2008 2:30 am

one day a cabbie picks up a nun while driving the nun notices the cabbie keeps looking through the rear view so the nun says young man why are you staring at me well says the cabbie ever since i was a boy i've wanted to kiss a nun the nun replies well my son we don't do that so the cabbie keeps driving a few minutes later he says ever since i was 12 i've really wanted to kiss a nun please he says the nun says well on 2 conditions first you're catholic second you're single the cabbie says i'm both of those so the nun kisses the cabbie a few minutes later the cabbie says i'm going to hell i lied i'm jewish and married the nun says well young man don't be so fast my name is mike and i'm going to a costume party

pyro · Post by **pyro** » Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:19 pm

A boy named Timmy comes into class late one day, and the teacher asks why he was late.

Timmy says, "Well, I had to take one of our heifers down to the bull at the Johnsons' place to have her serviced."

Teacher asks, "But Timmy, couldn't your father do it?"

Timmy looks at the teacher, rather confused, and then answers, "I guess so, but not half as good as the bull!"

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:59 pm

Five Minute Management Course- Jokes

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' sh e replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Post by **racer12306** » Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:49 pm

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been
looking out the window turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her
son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your
mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are
no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.'

Maddog · Post by **Maddog** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 5:50 pm

Three friends decide to go on a cross country trip after college. Along the way, they sleep in nice hotels, barns, campgrounds, and rest areas; pretty much wherever they can find a place to stop. One evening, they stop in a town that has only one motel, and it's totally full, except for one room with a king sized bed. The 3 look at each other, and decide that they're cool with that, and take the room.
They sleep side by side on their backs, since this was the only way they would each have enough room.
The next morning, the guy on the left gets up, and says, "Man, I had an awesome dream! I dreamed this hot babe was giving me the best handjob ever! It was great!
The guy on the right gets up, and says, "Man, I had an awesome dream, too! I dreamed this hot babe was giving me the best handjob ever! It was the best!
The guy in the middle gets up, and says, "Hmph! All I dreamed was that I was cross-country skiing for miles! And, my arms sure are sore!"

GreeNeons03 · Post by **GreeNeons03** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 9:29 pm

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh God! When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!"

v95 · Post by **v95** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 9:31 pm

So a kid and his father are out fishing. The father pulls out a beer and the kid say " can I have a drink "

The Father Replies " can your dick touch your ass?"

The Kid says " No!"

The kid goes home and goes to bed. The next morning the kid and his father go fishing. The kid pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eating them.

The father asks is son if he can have a cookie.

The kid replies " can your dick touch your ass?!"

The Father says "yes."

The kid replies "go Fuck yourself!"

Father