Joke 1
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.
They're such asses..
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Joke 2
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Joke 3
5 Short stories by Men.
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
THREE
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FOUR
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
FIVE
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all
fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
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Thought you guys would like these, found them in my dad's email box from his friend
