Joke of the day

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 4:30 pm

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered," "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said:

"You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

Again he said: "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:
"Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

TiOL · Post by **TiOL** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 4:55 pm

^^ hahahaha pwn3d !!!!

Post by **Diablo0** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 4:57 pm

OOOoooooooooooo.... HAHHAHAHHAA

Nice one!

OB · Post by OB » Wed Apr 12, 2006 5:23 pm

haha thats great!

scneonchic · Post by **scneonchic** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:07 pm

p8ntballah413 · Post by **p8ntballah413** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 11:21 am

haha, almost laughed out loud in the middle of class, BAD NEWS

Panhead · Post by **Panhead** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:55 pm

hahahaha...OWNED!

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 3:43 pm

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of

his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats. The mom sees her

son and quickly dismounts,

worried about what her son has seen; she dresses quickly and

goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks"What were you and dad doing? "

The mother replies"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and

Sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it.

"You're wasting your time, "says the boy.

"Why is that?" ... Asked his mom puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and

gets on her

knees and blows it back up again."

Post by **Diablo0** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 3:46 pm

NICE ONE once again!

scneonchic · Post by **scneonchic** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 7:59 pm

LOLOLOL

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Fri Apr 14, 2006 6:33 pm

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

dinetuner · Post by **dinetuner** » Fri Apr 14, 2006 8:01 pm

haha yeah theres alot of variations for that.. check this

To get the full effect, this message should be read out loud.

You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'means by the end of the conversation. The following is a telephone exchange between
a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service"Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest :"Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
" RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July deebaykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg , crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."

Marthby · Post by **Marthby** » Fri Apr 14, 2006 10:51 pm

03sxt · Post by **03sxt** » Sat Apr 15, 2006 12:54 am

kc2005ptgt · Post by **kc2005ptgt** » Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:03 pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I had to read it first, then read it out loud, because my 9 year old 'impressionable' son is sitting next to me watching cartoons.

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Sat Apr 15, 2006 10:34 pm

At the Vatican three Nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. He says, "Ladies you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you would like to be." The first Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's gone. The second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna," and "poof" she's gone. The third Nun say's, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. Who? He says. "Sarah Pipalini," replies the Nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell." The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, this say's 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:37 am

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you
might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!!Tomato!!! She screams. Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!!!! I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

scneonchic · Post by **scneonchic** » Mon Apr 17, 2006 9:49 am

ewwww! sucks to be that kid LOLOLOL

dinetuner · Post by **dinetuner** » Mon Apr 17, 2006 8:38 pm

scneonchic501 wrote:ewwww! sucks to be that kid LOLOLOL

x2

03sxt · Post by **03sxt** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:06 am

jrm868s wrote:Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

Post by **Diablo0** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:39 am

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed
for a job. The interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?
pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A Thought is the
fastest thing I know of. That's very good! replied the interviewer.

And now you, Sir, he asked the second man. Hmmm...let me see, a blink! It
comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest
thing I know of. Excellent! said the interviewer. The blink of an eye.
That's a very popular cliche for speed.

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out
on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a
light switch, when you flip that switch, way across the pasture the
light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought he had found his man. It's hard to beat the speed
of light, he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
fastest thing known is diarrhea, said the Newfie.
What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
Oh, I can explain, said the Newfie. You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling
so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or
turn on the light, I shit my pants. He got the job.

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 2:04 pm

MoxHair · Post by **MoxHair** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:24 pm

ANGER MANAGEMENT FOR THE NOVICE

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone
you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling"
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which
included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house. My black
Beemer is parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said!

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd,
Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news
crew.

NOW I feel much better; anger management really works.

scneonchic · Post by **scneonchic** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:33 pm

^^HAHAH thats great!

OB · Post by OB » Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:03 pm

ive now told this joke to at least 10 people, and im gonna keep tellin it till they stop laughin! hahaha thats truly hilarious

Post by **Diablo0** » Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:14 pm

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet.

The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied: "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, just wondering if you were my son."

OB · Post by OB » Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:30 pm

hahahaha^ thats good too

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 2:10 pm

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

FOR THE MEN

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

JRM · Post by **JRM** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 12:17 pm

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

lilolneon · Post by **lilolneon** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 12:53 pm

Lol! Good 1!